I Dare You To Live With a Smile

I have gotten so worried about the things that I don't have, or the lack of riches, even the unfairness of the economy. But worrying puts the present moment in a blur, underwater and I can't barely see what's in front. My thoughts are so consuming that I forget to smile when my dog looks deep into my eyes for love.

So today, I am grabbing happiness by the hand, putting on a smile and turning my back on "worrying". If everything tumbles, I'll tumble too --and tumbling is like dancing, you let go and move with the flow.


HOW STILL, HOW HAPPY!
by Emily Bronte
How still, how happy! Those are words
That once would scarce agree together;
I loved the plashing of the surge -
The changing heaven the breezy weather,

More than smooth seas and cloudless skies
And solemn, soothing, softened airs
That in the forest woke no sighs
And from the green spray shook no tears.

How still, how happy! now I feel
Where silence dwells is sweeter far
Than laughing mirth's most joyous swell
However pure its raptures are.

Come, sit down on this sunny stone:
'Tis wintry light o'er flowerless moors -
But sit - for we are all alone
And clear expand heaven's breathless shores.

I could think in the withered grass
Spring's budding wreaths we might discern;
The violet's eye might shyly flash
And young leaves shoot among the fern.

It is but thought - full many a night
The snow shall clothe those hills afar
And storms shall add a drearier blight
And winds shall wage a wilder war,

Before the lark may herald in
Fresh foliage twined with blossoms fair
And summer days again begin
Their glory - haloed crown to wear.

Yet my heart loves December's smile
As much as July's golden beam;
Then let us sit and watch the while
The blue ice curdling on the stream -

The Midas Touch?

After reading THINK & GROW RICH by Napoleon Hill, a little paper back that has come to my lap over and over for the last 15 years but I had ignored for its titled seemed tacky, I've become a true believer of the proposed formula to transmute Desire into Riches:

Desire + Faith + Autosuggestion + Specialized Knowledge + Imagination + Honoring the subconscious + Mindfulness + Sixth Sense = Miracles/Riches

Once you're clear about what you desire, if you add all these disciplines in the order proposed above, the world will conspire to make it real. Hocus, Pocus! The burning desire manifest...try it out for yourself.

History Repeats Itself

Iranians need Justice for their vote should be heard and that regime should be shaken up with fairness. See the latest video on the Protests.

This Too Shall Pass

These have been the most difficult months that I have endured. So I heard this song and although tears purged my sadness, I began to feel better soon after. Especially to know that I have a family that cares and loves for REAL. So anyone that ever feels heavy with struggle and disappointment, here is this song for them...enjoy!

DON'T GIVE UP
In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
Ive changed my face, Ive changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose

Don't give up
cos you have friends
Don't give up
You're not beaten yet
Don't give up
I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that wed be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up
We don't need much of anything
Dont give up
cause somewhere there's a place
Where we belong

Rest your head
You worry too much
Its going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don't give up
Please don't give up

got to walk out of here
I cant take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That rivers flowing
That rivers flowing

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Don't give up
cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
Were proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know its never been easy
Don't give up
cause I believe there's the a place
There's a place where we belong

Have You Ever Been Had?

Like used as a rag for someone's clinical trials at love? Have you ever loved a cold person who have might as well glued the joker's smile on his face to feel happy. Really, have you ever been had?

If you have ever been had, stand proud with your chin up, it only happens to the tall and dignified ones for they are the pillars of truth in humanity.

Being Alive in Planet Earth

Considering the vast amount of galaxies out there, I am sure there's life outside Planet Earth. But what happens when I begin to wonder, especially with every birthday, what does living on earth really mean?

Here are some thoughts that emerged about why I am here:
-To find "Joy" in living --in everything that surrounds us, even when we have to share with those less fortunate ones (sounds religious but I think it's true)
-To become life affirming no matter how bad things are --accepting the challenges as positive experiences (I used to hate this one!)
-To eat chocolate cake and ice cold milk when things look gloomy (I love this one!)
-To be patient when nothing works your way --even if you've been unemployed for more than a year (this one makes me anxious!)
-To learn to learn with the kind of elegance that accepts defeats and mistakes (now that's humbling!)

-To love yourself the way you love your favorite pet



-To believe not to believe and have faith in miracles --FAITH in the impossible
-To tame your ego and keep it "right-sized" --it's never about me but about being present and feeling the presence within me
-To accept that Pizza and Cookies are bad for your health but can bring so much joy that you are willing to forfeit healthiness
-To give up on seeing duality in the definition of things

-To find meaningful relationships with your lovers


-To forgive everyone since we are all so fallible anyway
-To learn things that we already know but have forgotten --because things just are
-To be honest so that your word has strength and your reputation is trustworthy
-To stop shopping at Neiman Marcus when you are depressed and the economy is the red
-To forget yourself so that you can find your true self --That's very Eastern but I hate to admit it, it happens all the time to me

-To wrestle with guilt JUST like Jacob did with an Angel


-To go to the movies and relive life while watching a film projected on a gigantic flat screen inside a dark room (with other people whom you never met) while eating pop corn and M&Ms
-To love Apple computers for being so efficient and to forgive them for being so expensive
-To admire all your brothers and sisters because they are living life too --no one really taught us how to be joyful and positive 24/7

-To buy all the shoes in the world, even the most beautiful crocodiles loafers but know deep inside that you would rather wear flip flaps


-To be grateful that you get up every morning and have someone to call and wish them a good one
-To read beautiful books made up by an incredible selection of words that ultimately affirm life
-And to be SO PRESENT, ALERT IN THE NOW, to the point that you forget the past, ignore the future and live everyday like it's your birthday
-To respect your elders even when they annoy you

-To know that your loved ones, dead or alive, will always be with you in some kind of form because you've shared AMAZING experiences on this wonderful blue planet earth...

Don't "Watchmen"...

...If you want to escape and feel good about life. Times are hard enough to be reminded of greed, violence, darkness, and darkness and more darkness. At one point in my life, I was a development executive at a Studio and a way to pass on a script was by claiming that "it just wasn't a feel good movie".

Why is Hollywood stuck on wanting to appeal to a teenager's appetite for "Gore". I am glad that I am not working at the studio system and I am able to walk out of a 2 and half hour movie and not feel bad about the wasted 14 dollars. And having no name talent to films that have terrible scripts is suicidal for those poor up & coming actors, don't you think?



At least the popcorn and M&Ms were fun to eat in the dark. No one to Watched me indulge in such guilty pleasure. (I keep wanting to loose 10 pounds...)


I haven't been feeling like writing lately because I've been working on my own material and hoping that someday it will make me enough money to never ask for money. So I am going back to writing another story and will leave you with the a lovely, happy poem:


How happy is the little Stone

(by Emily Dickinson)

How happy is the little Stone
That rambles in the Road alone,
And doesn't care about Careers
And Exigencies never fears --
Whose Coat of elemental Brown
A passing Universe put on,
And independent as the Sun
Associates or glows alone,
Fulfilling absolute Decree
In casual simplicity --

The "Ides of March" are gone, all is well! Celebrate Life!

Do We Kill What We Love Out of Fear?

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die.
__
Oscar Wilde wrote this poem while he was in jail for having an affair with another man. On the surface, the ballad recounts how a man has been convicted to be hanged for killing the woman whom he loved. On a deeper level, it questions why do we often kill what we love --I know I have. I've killed my ego but it never dies, some of my dreams, some lustful desires, some virtuous ways, etc. All in all, I've killed a lot of things that were not acceptable or maybe that needed obliteration because I loved them too much. Ouch!

Sadly to say but I am the one who would probably kill with a kiss --too chicken to use a dagger.

Rachel Getting Married In Another Planet

What's The Fuzz All About?

Jonathan Demme's pseudo-realistic attempt at telling a story about a recovering addict who comes home from rehab to participate in her sister's "Hindu" dressed wedding party and the invited guests are as multi-ethnic as the United Nations assembly made me loose respect for the filmmaker. How this Caucasian-American family with an apparently intense need for the multi-ethnicity of things just wasn't able to stay on my TV screen longer than 10 minutes it's no surprise. And what about the head ache I had thanks to the Director's genius conceit of using a shaky camera, which intermittently would go in and out of focus, so the tone would insinuate an original home movie or a documentary filmed by a preteen. Funny but even reality TV has more truth then this out of this world film...what a dud product from a director whose PHILADELPHIA and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS made history.

A Prayer To My Dead Father

And I know that I wasn't there to see your last breath but your older daughter Diva saw it and that's how it had to be. She loved you first and I love you always. I got there late, you were lying down, dead. I cried like a little kid who just cries without knowing why for. And that wasn't you laying there, it was only your body but I still cried and beg you for forgiveness because I wanted to had been there to see your last breath.

I wonder if that hurt you, if breathing one last time was like pulling out all the pain in one single huff. Did you hover and see how your children where all there for you. You were so loved. My mother talk to you as if you were alive and I realized that she loved you more than I. And believe me that's almost impossible but she still does. I miss you today because I feel sad that you aren't around to tell me how much you like me. Lately, I've been feeling terribly unworthy and I don't know how to stop feeling like that.


I was never brave as you. I tried hard to be more like you but Patricia was always more like you. And that's still ok because having her around me reminds of your vitality that was. Remember how You never said NO to me, never. I sometimes hated how much you love me because I would then feel responsible for Kelvyn. And Kelvyn was the sweetest little brother anyone could ever have. He is so sensitive and genius- like and I wasn't. I went by the rules to try to impress you and Nelly. I always worry that I should do whatever pleased you and mother. I wanted to be good. And I am not sure that I am good enough, and that I've let you down because I found that career that school was supposed to bestow on me, hasn't really payed off. You made fun of college saying that real life was the best college in the world. But in fact, real life hasn't taught me the kind of coping skills to deal with a people that refuse to give me a shot at work, unkind and selfish people. If you were here you would tell me that these people aren't even good enough to keep my company. And I would believe you and move on. How I miss that.

Why did you like me so much? I also miss knowing that when you were around. I miss your smile and blue/green eyes that always look at me with so much admiration and tenderness. As I could do no wrong. Ever. I hope I was a good son to you because I don't have a son to be good to and have not a way of measuring what a good son is.

Life is so uncertain lately that I hope I see you soon so that you can reassure me that I was a good son to you. "No se preocupe juancito, mijito, usted es tan guapo y muy inteligente algo le ha de salir."

Tonight I miss you from the soul --you are part of me and i can't touch, smell, see you. I remember how you like how I dress and then you would try to get the same jeans. I remember how I would play with your curly hair, I love smelling your neck and I love your confidence and simpleness. Everyone loved you. You were the craziest, most handsome father ever. If you are listening to me typing, please know that I am beginning to look like you. My body is shaping like yours, you are my blood, my bones, my DNA legacy.

Where ever you may be, come visit me because things aren't going well and I need assurance that I am who I am, and that that is good enough. That I can prevail during these dark economic times. That I can deal with the Hollywood bourgeoisie and their at all cost.

In this town, People don't respect people, they are just stepping stones. Why is it that they won't let me in there club? And when Am I going to stop caring? Tonight, Now, forget the movie and storytelling, maybe not in this life for me. And how did I become weak? Maybe because the last three years I've been beat up badly by destiny. Forcing to be part of something that doesn't want me. I have to leave this industry, it's the most superficial place that's not only made me weak, insecure and hopeless but hasn't aged me and lessen my belief in goodness. Or Am just being sensitive? Who cares If I am. I just want OUT. Help me papi find a respectable job that pays for merit.

Now some good news: I found an angel, George Freeman, who cares about me deeply and you would love him too. He will make you laugh and you will make him laugh. And other great news is that you have new nephews that look like you and one of them looks like me. And lastly, my mother always thinks about you. And We are trying to keep her as the lady that you marry. I am feel so shitty that You gave us everything and now I can't even take care of Nelly financially. I am ashamed that I haven't been able to be more like you. A strong provider. But thanks to Patricia, mother doesn't need anything. I miss you/your son always. PS: Give me a sign that you are with me, Please.

Viejo Mi Querido Viejo, where are you? Are you alright?

Papi Beto, you were the best father any son would have loved to have. Don't abandoned me in moments like these. I need your strength. Thank you, amen.

Adieu 2008, Salut 2009!

Ending 2008 was the biggest event of that year for me. Unemployed more than a year, accepting life on life terms had been extremely difficult. Working had been more than a job, it was my identify card that without it, gave me anxiety and the kind of self-consciousness that breeds insecurity and unworthiness about being. Suddenly, I was embarrassed to be alive without work --the insidious shame began creeping into the core of my psyche since it already had a field day with my body. Sciatic and back pain, psoriasis and other bodily ailments were symptoms of how shame was winning the day. If it weren't for my partner who has been the most supportive person in my life, I would have left Los Angeles and sought the comfort of my family, who love me more than I know. Family is better than chicken soup, they comfort you unconditionally. Or at least, some of my family members really do.

So we had planned a NY trip for the holidays. On the way to the airport, I was excited to be seeing old friends, walking a white Central Park, visiting St. John the Divine on Xmas Eve and going to the Marlene Dumas exhibit. But lo and behold, at the security counter, I protested with my license when I was asked for my passport, "...but I am only going to NY". The airport security guard said, "No you're not..." My partner pulled out my passport, "she is right...". Like a SURPRISED-MONKEY, I first did not know what to say but then an overwhelming feeling of Joy forced me to jump, as I realized we were off to London and then Paris. What a perfect way to end the year, in the luminous city where I studied Baudelaire and other great French poets.


Flying Virgin Atlantic on the airbus in the Upper Class makes 11+ horrible hours seemed pleasant enough. The service was optimal, the interior of the plane also was incredibly comfortable --especially when the seats turn into beds. Now getting through Heathrow will forever be a nuisance --why can that airport be remodeled? But arriving at the Soho Hotel and breathing in the London air was the beginning of a perfect vacation. (Notice how many "perfect" will pop up.)


That night we had the amazing opportunity to see "Piaf," a musical about Edif Piaf's life. What a "perfect" precursor to the city of lights. The performances were top caliber, especially the lead, an Argentine wonderactress and her co-lead, Luke Evans, the next Clark Gables of our time...Every second of that musical was magical along with the Vaudeville theater's interior. It transport anyone to a time when theater was an artform: important, smart, fun and beautiful. It would be great if NY City had more Off-Broadway intimate musicals.


When we got to Paris, everything was more: the hotel, Pavillon de la Reine (at Place the Vosges,) the Seine, the Pont Neuf, the Notre Dame, the Hotel de Ville, Hermes, Victor Hugo cafe, the lit Ferris wheel at Place de la Concorde, the Breguet Museum, St. Germain des Pres, Rue Raspail, Pre Catalan and the restaurants (especially the Capon dinner,) the long walks along the quai with the cold Parisian wind caressing my face, the art of being elegantly dressed for the ballet at the Paris Opera, the croissants and the love for those same things mentioned that my partner also experienced. It was heaven, not quite sure why, but it filled me. Especially at night: the lights everywhere against a velvet blue sky, the search beam on top of Tour Eiffel, piercing through the night, highlighted the elegance and greatness of Paris.


Paris four times a year will be "perfect" in 2009...although London is a powerful city, nothing like the sound of Joyeux Noel or Bon Nuit from the English concierge at Pavillon de la Reine when ending a Parisian day.